Please note: The following does contain strong language.
Also, it’s 2,500 words long. This week’s Munch review will come later.
Dear Burger King and to whom it may concern,
I’m Tom N, writer of The Munch Commitment (www.themunchcommitment.com) a chicken blog specialising in writing about fried chicken served at Leicester, United Kingdom’s store named Munch Munch. I’m writing to you today to save you from some certain doom in today’s rough fast food industry, after realising the troubles that Burger King are currently going through, especially with the relaunch of US menu’s. Me, like many others were once in love with your establishment. It should be telling in fact, that the name of the blog (The Munch Commitment) is not in fact The Burger King Commitment instead. I am here to at least answer that question not for you, but to find out what has changed in myself.
Burger King captured and smothered my heart one day back in the 90’s as a small child. It was a grand favourite of me and classmates, and after school we’d always go to Burger King for the Whopper in teenage angst and rebellion against our parents cooking. Burger King was our home, a place outside of school that we could sit back and relax, watching the sun going down as the man selling flowers outside would pack away his flowers. It was an idyllic world, a world that present Burger King has very much destroyed.
Now, a lot of this comes down to a loss of community within Burger King. Unlike local takeaways (which are much cheaper, which we’ll tackle later), I’m always made to feel that I’m never welcome at Burger King. Now, one could argue as an ideally not attractive Asian, maybe they do want me out as soon as possible, so the hot red-headed large breasted chika behind me can go ahead so a dried up oldbag behind the counter can swing a pervy look, strike some sort of conversation before serving her a sloppy whopper (this has happened countless of times.) This sense of community can really only be applied to good looking people, and even then there’s just a creepy sexual under-tone to it all. In fact, if this was a music video then it would most certainly be Lionel’s Richie’s Hello.
This is just not good enough. Compared to local stores and especially at Munch Munch, me and friends are very much treated as the burger kings. Munch Munch is very much the new ‘home’ as said earlier, and we’re always made to feel welcome. Even if they want our money (true) they at least pretend to give a shit about us (also true) so we’re coming in and spending even more money.
And this Burger King, is what you want. The big M. Not McDonalds who is owning you. The word is Money. Start employing people that at least have the capacity to smile. Failing that, just discriminate highly and hire hot people that are easy on the eyes because no-one is going to complain about this. Young university and college students are the biggest coin to lay here, cheap labour and mostly attractive. Your new young force of labour will also love it, the boys getting free food, a salary in which they can spend wasting it on absolute (and/or pretentious) shit and the girls will lap up in the attention because they don’t know any better and write Facebook statuses or ‘tweet’ about working at the King (which will help as men who fancy this hotness will also apply and also friends will think it’s a good place to work = ENDLESS YOUNG LABOUR) and how loads of pervy men looked at them and hated it (it’s not true, they fuckin’ love it.) Hey, and during lunch you can let the girls be teased by the guys with the exterior motive that they will breed, giving you more labour for the future, which you should always be considering in your long-time plans. By teasing I mean doing such things such as “fraping”, an act which usually involves one young person going into another person’s “Facebook”, and then changing their status to something believable to deceive others. This can produce great original Shakespearian classics such as –
- I’M BORED #analtime
- I’M GOING TO BE A MUM LOL
- GUY WHO FUCKED ME LAST NIGHT DIDN’T EVEN CALL ME
- GUESS WHAT I’M GAY. SORRY GIRLS LMAO
- I LOVE IT UP THE ARSE.
- WOKE UP AFTER BEING WANKERED AND WOKE UP NEXT TO A SLAG #shouldhaveusedacondom
Now, personally I would love for a load of old people to work at your establishment if it’s anything like Market Place, Greggs at Leicester – who are the friendlist people in the world who aren’t afraid to strike up a conversation. It turns out as a result, that Greggs whilst the food tastes adequate, is more lovely as a result and is the reason why I go to that establishment. However, I understand that most of your demographic would prefer hotness instead, but it is an alternative to consider if you don’t want to go down that route which leads me to my next point…
Demographics. Whatever limp dick is running your company completely misunderstands the core demographics and core ideal of the shop and the name “Burger King”: the burgers. Remember it. If I was to agree regarding the new ‘look’ of Burger King over at the US we’d both be wrong. Let’s go into this.
Why does it look like something out of a Hollister Costa Coffee shop? Why can I not see any burgers on this menu? Why have you decided to lead with this all new 2000’s ‘hip nutritional good for you’ look? No self respecting Morrissey The Cure/Shins/Libertines indie rock clunky glasses pretentious vegan lover is going to go to Burger King anyway. You’ll never win over those guys.
Fuck them. No jegging sweatband jogging lady is going to come over and buy a coffee in morning from Burger King. You’ll never win her over either. Fuck them. No old romantic couple is suddenly going to decide to go to Burger King for their date for a ‘nice meal’ and buy a real fruit smoothie…. from Burger King. Fuck them. You do not bow to anyone for you are the king, start acting like it. If not, change your name to “Whole Foods Storehouse” King because that’s certainly what it looks like to me at the moment. At least have some respect for your brand name and if you can’t do that, just scrap it. At least us old-time Burger King veterans can let go of the final strands of your company and finally realise the dream is over. Over here in the UK you are trying to heavily advertise some lamb flatbread. Who wants this at Burger King!? No Burger King, I am not interested in your 100% diary icecream. I just need a big tub full of bad fizzy drinks off the tap and a nozzle to shove lodged beef down my throat. Not like this… not like this. People want back the Big King. The home of the Whopper. The grease. People want back bad-ass burgers. You guys consistently disappoint me and if I’m not spectating your failings from a distance, I’m disappointed when I’m eating at your establishment.
Burgers lack consistency within your establishment. Whoppers can be sloppy and sauce can just be flowing out of the burger like a serious maternal period. No one likes periods and no one certainly likes too much sauce in their burger. It’s disgusting. This doesn’t apply to just the whoppers, but the weight of the bun can sometimes just collapse, leaving what looks like a turd that I would take during a morning dump. It’s messy, leaves hands in a mess and no one likes looking like scum in public as cheese and grease is smeared into one’s hand with beef carcass and even more grease smeared around their mouth. When people feel bad they go to Burger King. They don’t want to feel even more shit then they originally did when first entering the premises. People want grease but don’t want to look like scum at the same time and your tissues are a disgrace. The general smell of Burger King doesn’t help, most Burger Kings smell like a Men’s gym room that has just been used by the Village People for their come-back in the modern age. Please consider changing your cleaning fluid. Consistency is the key and there’s a sincere lack of this point within your takeaway.
Perhaps what’s even more tragic is that burgers are ridiculously small. You’re a big chain, why is it that when I go to my local takeaway I’m getting about 50% more food for the same price? People should not feel punished and ripped off when visiting your establishment and certainly even for me, a once avid BK lover, I and my wallet personally feel punished every time I go into your restaurant with regret. Over here in the UK, we’re paying about £5 ($8 for US readers, 167,876.86 Vietnamese Dong for Vietnamese readers) for a rather small whopper meal. You need to start rewarding people for entering your establishment, to give them the best value at the price you’re asking for. Don’t make people leave your premises feeling hungry and ripped off. People should be feeling fat and full and roaring to go back again. Perhaps the worst case of this is when going to buy the ‘saver’ menu. Even my genitals are bigger then that meal and as an Asian, my genitals are 0.6 decimals of a standard size gential. It’s the ultimate punishment and you may as well be throwing bird poop in our face screaming “buy the more expensive meals you fucking cheapass.” Start rewarding people, even for purchasing the savers menu. It’s not just burgers, but condiments come in small packages and so do drinks. This must be changed. A reward system would help this keyword ‘reward’ and adding value, emphasising and going back to the point of making people feel welcome. By implementing some sort of reward system it is clear to potential shoppers (I am aware that there is but no one knows what exactly it does) that you guys actually want us back to eat more and reward us for doing so. Therefore, if you were too lazy like your burgers to actually read this paragraph I’ll sum it up here. Reward people for coming in (value for money/reward system) and don’t make them feel ripped off. This includes the savers menu.
When things look like shit, 80% of time they are shit which correlates directly to my experiences at your establishment (80% shit, 20% good.). Burgers just lack the punch they used to have and seeing your resources and R&D Department being thrown carelessly at other nonsense such as real fruit smoothies and flatbreads is frustrating. You’ve been in the business for years and yet you can’t even get your burgers down to a fucking tee. Get the ratio’s right regarding condiments and cook the patty correctly and you would not have the economic crisis that is currently on your hands and leaving your back pockets. Get your R&D unit to go around and fully teach people how to make burgers. Or just sack them if they’ve become incompetent, which seems like it.
It’s not the flatbreads that the media press are reporting on as well. The first news article to grace my screen when typing Burger King into Google [as of 21/04/2012] is that of a man in Japan (and god bless) who ordered 1,050 bacon strips in his whopper. This is what is getting you into the news. Extreme meals. Free press. Meals that upset vegetarians and offend major religions. Start rewarding people for doing this. A good and free example that I will personally give is to introduce some sort of dumb-ass eating challenge. Here in Leicester there is a quality establishment dubbed ‘The Local Hero’, in which competitors can take on a challenge aptly named ‘The Flaming Challenge’, filled with nearly 1kg of food for just under £10 in which they must finish under a certain time limit. If they do, their name is forever erected on the Wall of Shame. This will get you into the press. Not spending millions on advertising shitty food and drink that no one gives a shit about with David Beckham as your front man, who people give even less of a shit about. I do not know anyone personally that is roaring for David Beckham, let alone roaring for him to advertise Burger King here in Britain, the land of Football hooliganism so I have no idea why anyone would care for him over in the States. If you have a good answer, I would sure love to know. Is Snoop not free? Stop wasting money and spend that money on improving your actual stores instead. People are not coming to Burger King to try Apple Flapjack Dogshit or whatever is trying to be sold.
I don’t know what’s going on over at Burger King HQ but you need to understand that without looking at what made your legacy successful (beef burgers) you will fail in today’s market, which you slowly are. Let’s recap what was discussed. Remember your name and your prestigious branding, which once was associated with hope and love for many of us. Remember who your audience is. Going back to the name, you’re not selling anyone on your new menu. A wider menu is not why people want to go to BURGER King. People want to go to Burger King because your burgers are the best in town and have the savagest deals in town. Re-consider pricing. As a big chain I have no idea why your prices are a blind rip-off and just cannot compete whatsoever with local chains. I can visit all you can eat buffets here for £5. ($8, 167,876.86 Dong) Why is it that I get some poorly presented burger and some fries both in small quantities for £5 at a big chain, a chain that could easily afford bigger portions? Stop making people visit different establishments and make them realise that you are the King. And let the King welcome everyone with open arms with a reward system. Reward people for coming in, and not making them feel ripped off.
This is how you can avoid the fast track to inevitable failure and is provided for free. I hope these points are taken into serious consideration and I hope one day, should the advice be taken not just from me, but other past fans of the King that a “Burger King Commitment” can be created one day on the stage of history that is the internet.
– and others on behalf with past memories for BK.
Twitter is here.
#kony2012 (fuck no, I’m being sarcastic.)
P.S. Fucking fuck David Beckham